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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26485117">Insight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuwunsuk/pseuds/hyuwunsuk'>hyuwunsuk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Boyz (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Breakup, M/M, but it gets better, changmin is struggling, everyone is sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:54:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,219</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26485117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuwunsuk/pseuds/hyuwunsuk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin just had to get through the day.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ji Changmin | Q/Kim Younghoon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Insight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is something i needed to get out of my chest. no beta reading just what changmin felt at those moments.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Why was it so hard? Why when it used to be so comfortable?</p><p>Changmin rested his head on the pillow next to him while he watched the screen of his phone turn off, a deep sigh leaving his lips before he buried his face on the soft material and the last words he texted repeating on his head.</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t feel like talking about it right now, Younghoon and it doesn’t seem like you would understand. Let’s just leave it for now okay?” </em>
</p><p>Changmin knew that he was not cooperating but he did not have any strength left. It was like every little strand that tied him to Younghoon was shrinking and there was nothing they could actually do to save their relationship. Changmin would not feel good anyway, the feeling of discomfort would always be there, chasing him.</p><p>Changmin forced himself to not let a single tear go down his cheeks. He did not deserve it because he was the only one that led them to where they were standing. Well, maybe not himself alone but a great part of this mess was his doing. Maybe if he were stronger or had the guts to say what he wanted to say, maybe if he decided to just let Younghoon go.</p><p>The screen turned on again and, although he didn't want to see, he raised his head just to read the new message.</p><p>
  <em> “I want to understand, Changmin” </em>
</p><p>But how could he? How if not even Changmin could explain clearly how he was feeling? Maybe a liability, a charge, an obligation. He was just a rock on Younghoon’s path. Younghoon, who was always so bright that burned. Younghoon who always worried about him and his well-being. Younghoon, who would give anything for Changmin. But that was the problem. Younghoon was always so willing to give everything for him, so ready to show that he loved him...</p><p>Changmin felt a knot on his stomach and the urge of crying was there again, but he repressed it. As he always does. He just laid his head on the pillow again and thought about every single answer he could give to his boyfriend.</p><p>It wasn’t easy when the heart was implied and the risk was getting it broken. Maybe he could tell Younghoon that he needed time for himself, or that he wanted to break up with him, but was that what he really wanted? Well maybe he could text Younghoon and tell him that he wanted this and fix everything right? But again, he wasn’t sure that was the solution to how he was feeling.</p><p>Maybe he just needed to leave. To get out.</p><p>
  <em> Get out. </em>
</p><p>That was how Changmin felt exactly. He needed air, he needed to escape to a place where he could not be found. He didn’t want this for himself but somehow couldn’t help it. The sensation of not being enough, of not feeling happy but forcing himself to, of everything falling apart and being afraid of moving because it may destroy him too was overwhelming to the point that made everything numb. He was in the eye of the hurricane but only one step was everything it would take to be swayed by it.</p><p>The boy plugged his headphones and opened his music player, deciding to ignore Younghoon’s last message.</p><p>There was barely any light on his room, just a few rays of sun that sneaked through the shutters. That was how he felt best; alone and drowning his sadness on sad songs than hopefully would make him sleep and get through that for one more day. </p><p>He hated himself for being this way. For not being able to fix what was happening to them. It was deplorable the fact that he didn’t feel like doing anything and just assumed that he was going to get hurt anyway but it was easier that way right? If he stayed still everything would eventually pass without inflicting a big damage on him. He could surely heal some wrecks on his heart but if he involved himself more into this, if he didn’t cut it now, there wouldn’t be wrecks, just pieces of insignificant size that he wouldn’t be able to glue together even after trying.</p><p>At first Changmin thought that it didn’t have to be like his previous relationship, in which he felt so insecure about himself that Sangyeon and him didn't even sleep together. And Younghoon really showed him that he could put some trust in him, that he genuinely cared about him, so Changmin relaxed thinking that maybe this was the <em> one </em>. But as their relationship advanced he became more irritable to little actions and words coming from his lover, so to avoid confrontations he did what he did best: ignore the problem.</p><p>It was easier that way, he wouldn’t respond to some messages Younghoon sent him until the end of the day and tomorrow he would try to be fine again just to discover, months later, that maybe he would never be. Those small problems piling up on his mind and troubling more than he first ever intended until everything exploded.</p><p>
  <em> “Chanhee again?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You have a problem with me spending the night with my friend, Younghoon? You didn’t complain that much when you ditched me to go out with Jaehyun the other day, huh” </em>
</p><p>Of course Changmin didn’t mean those words. How could he when he knew that the older would always put him before anyone else? But he needed to vent everything out and to be frank, Younghoon <em> did </em> ditch him. Maybe it wasn’t intentional but Changmin went through that a couple of times before; Younghoon making some plans, and even asking Changmin when he was available, just to forget them later. </p><p>So it didn’t come out as a surprise when two weeks later they met to talk about everything and Younghoon decided that the best for the two of them was breaking up. Changmin loved him but it seemed so easy to just let it go, to cut the problem from its root and continue with their lives.</p><p>When you meet someone, they start to take a place in your routine, creating a space in your life. Sometimes you would be cleaning and thinking about what they would be doing or if they were okay, but when that person leaves your side abruptly it feels like a part of you is gone with them. But, well, it is inevitable, at the end you are giving a part of yourself to them. But nothing like that seemed to happen to Changmin.</p><p>After the breakup, Changmin lived more relaxed and although he still had problems but his days seemed somewhat brighter. He would find himself thinking if it was even normal, he spent a great amount of time sharing his life with Younghoon and now that he was gone he seemed okay with it, although he swore he loved him. His first love. Changmin attached his bright mood to the fact that their relationship was more than dead.</p><p>He should have known better than that.</p><p>It happened a month after the breakup. Changmin used the free time he had to see his friends, they would meet in some of the most crowded streets of the city and just hang out, but he always had to go home alone after that. On the 26th of December, tucked on his warmest coat, Changmin was walking home and somehow, his feet led him to where they had their first date.</p><p>It had been ten months since that event but Changmin still remembered it dearly in his heart. It was really cold and they had been dating only for a month, but Younghoon prepared this amazing date idea just so they could have a little fun and enjoy their time together. Tucked in the very same coat he would be wearing ten months later, Changmin was sitting next to Younghoon on a bench. That afternoon they had some hot chocolate and ate some really great muffins at a hidden cafeteria, away from all the city noises. It had been perfect. Opposite to the cold February air, Changmin felt completely warm inside and couldn’t stop smiling at the taller boy, looking at him like a fool in love. And he was, he loved Younghoon with all his being, even more when he let him know the real plans for the night.</p><p>
  <em> “I bought us some tickets for Moulin Rouge, it is being played at an old theatre and I know you love it so I thought that maybe it would be great to watch it together” </em>
</p><p>Changmin remembered smiling widely at the boy he was looking at, thinking about how lucky he was to have him by his side. The night went by and before they knew it was past midnight and Changmin had missed the last bus, but he couldn’t care less about it judging by the smile on his face and the laughs the older boy was getting from him. That same night Changmin decided that <em> Your Song </em> from Moulin Rouge was <em> their </em>song. Even now he is still scared of listening to it, of remembering the way they loved that night.</p><p>Changmin stayed still, watching how the sun disappeared behind the bench where they sat all those months ago. Something on his chest felt tight and he forced himself to keep walking to get the same bus that he missed that 6th of February. But that was not the only time he ended up there. Somehow, everytime he was around that specific place, he found himself watching the sun set and even the moon rise.</p><p>It is said that time heals, but each day that passed Changmin seemed more unhappy and reluctant to talk about anything related to Younghoon, closing himself and bottling up whatever he could be feeling. And although he hated it, he knew perfectly what was happening: he was regretting his choice of not fighting for Younghoon. </p><p>He would notice it in the little details of his everyday routine; now he wouldn’t wake up with ‘have a nice morning’ texts or whenever he felt like being kissed, he couldn’t text Younghoon reclaiming his daily dose of love. At first it was okay, he could perfectly live without those things but it seemed harder not to miss his ex boyfriend when he was literally everywhere. Younghoon was in his favourite love songs, he was in the sunsets, in the parks, in the hot chocolates and every single time in his mind.</p><p>“You have to pop it” Chanhee said one night while they were lying in the older’s bed, about to fall asleep “Your bubble, I mean”</p><p>“What bubble?” Changmin was no fool, he knew what Chanhee meant. It was obvious in the way he would be found being lost in his thoughts or how he would grab the guitar pick that decorated his neck -a gift Younghoon made for his birthday-.</p><p>“I know you want to heal but keeping how you’re feeling for yourself is not the ideal way to move on, maybe you need to externalize everything and cry it out” Chanhee said looking at his own ceiling “Let it finally go, Changmin. It is okay to be hurt, at the end you’re human and you loved him, it would be weird if you didn’t feel anything”</p><p>Changmin couldn’t even talk, the knot on his throat blocking anything that may come out. ‘It’s okay to be hurt’. It was such a simple and obvious statement to hear and yet, it was precisely what he needed; Knowing that despite everything, he had the right to feel sad. Changmin had convinced throughout the months that it was his complete fault, although Younghoon tried to convince him otherwise the day they broke up, and hearing those words from his friend reminded him that even if it were his fault he had loved Younghoon, he also had the right to feel heartbroken. </p><p>Tears started to flood his eyes and that night, with the lights turned off, Changmin told everything to Chanhee between sobs and lots of tissues. He told him how distanced he felt from Younghoon, how it seemed like they were on two completely worlds and speeds and they could never encounter, not even when they loved each other. He told Chanhee how much he missed Younghoon but how he also knew that they made the right decision by letting the other go. He told his friend how this was the very first time he loved someone the way he loved Younghoon and how devastated left him the way they had to end things.</p><p>After that night when he poured his heart out, everything seemed to go better. Just as Chanhee said, what he needed was to let everything go and try to remember that relationship with happiness and as a step to maturity.</p><p>It was only on a late summer night that Changmin discovered that it may not be possible. After an afternoon catching up on his favourite TV show on Netflix, Changmin was more than ready to go to sleep and get some rest for his tired eyes when the screen of his phone shone after receiving a message.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>are you awake?</p><p> </p><p>Changmin looked at his screen. He must have confused his phone number with someone else’s right? After all that time he would not start a conversation just like that. Changmin decided to just go to sleep, his phone facing the mattress so he wouldn’t look at the message. But his curiosity was stronger than anything, so he took the phone and opened the message his ex sent him. He was still online, probably talking with someone else and Changmin had to convince himself that it would be rude not answering. At the end, they were still civilized people.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>hey</p><p> </p><p>Younghoon was not talking to anyone else that night, Changmin deducted after watching the ticks go blue as soon as he sent the message.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>you know, i am a little drunk rn</p><p>remember when you mocked at me for not being able to get drunk?</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>yeah, well i didn’t think that was possible actually</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>nah, i am actually not that bad but i just gulped a whole bottle of soju and i am starting to regret that</p><p>god, i wish you could see me now</p><p>i funally understand why you laughed so much whenever you were drunk</p><p>everything seems so funny</p><p>it is a nice sensation</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>drinking cold water helps, you know?</p><p>maybe you should have some</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>nah, i’ve already told you, i kinda like this sensatioin </p><p>what are you foing?</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>i was getting ready to go to sleep, i should wake up early tomorrow</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>nooo</p><p>don’t ho :(</p><p>go*</p><p>i wanna keep talkjunf to you</p><p>oh it is not good for me to say that</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>it is okay, i guess?</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>no it is noy</p><p>but i am feelong funnu so evetuyhing seems good now</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>yeah, i guess it is a side effect of being drunk</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>YOU’RE STILL HERE YEY</p><p>you’re so swewtt</p><p>you’vce alwats been</p><p> </p><p>Changmin felt a small knot on his heart after reading those words. Younghoon was so drunk that he didn’t even care about what he was saying. He was all talking without a filter and Changmin wasn’t sure about how much damage that could cause on both of them so he decided to just ignore those last messages.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>you went to sleeo</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>i am still here, dw</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>great because hyunjae just left me alone :(</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>is he okay? maybe you should go and take care of him</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>I am way tii drunj for that</p><p>he will be ojay</p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>if you say so…</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>changmin</p><p>do you miss me?</p><p>because i think i do miss you</p><p>you were good</p><p>i miss that</p><p> </p><p>Changmin’s heart skipped a beat when reading the messages and he couldn’t help but start trembling. At what moment he decided it was a good idea to answer him, to keep talking to him while he was drunk? And why was Younghoon doing this? Why did he come just to wreck him again?</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>go to sleep and reread everything you sent me tonight i think it would be better not to talk while you’re like this</p><p>
  <strong>Younghoon:</strong>
</p><p>but i dont wasnt to sleeo</p><p>i missed talkinf until late with you</p><p>i want to kiss someone</p><p>lowkry i wabt ti kiss tiy</p><p>you</p><p> </p><p>Changmin inhaled a last time before deciding that it was enough. He was not going to get his heart broken a second time for the same guy. He had to stop it before it went too far.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Changmin:</strong>
</p><p>i am going to sleep now</p><p>i don’t expect you to act upon your words, you are drunk i get that</p><p>good night</p><p> </p><p>But he was unable to sleep that night. The messages of Younghoon repeating on his mind every single second. And just like that, everything crumbled again, everything he built fell down with such simple words.</p><p>He was drifting again. </p><p>Because in fact he missed Younghoon, he could never stop missing him but having that thrown at your face hurt. And even more when you knew that maybe nothing was real, maybe it was just a way Younghoon had to cope with loneliness; coming back the ones he knew that would be there, coming back to Changmin. Not even caring about how much it could hurt him, how much he could destroy everything he had been constructing since the moment they parted. Because that is what he did, that night Younghoon broke Changmin again.</p><p>Or at least that was what Changmin thought for a few weeks, that he would never be able to move on from the boy he loved but once and for all, Changmin realized that time <em> did </em> heal and one night, while listening to <em> Dancing on My Own </em>he decided that he couldn’t let a relationship define him. He was more than that.</p><p>He was an amazing person who loved and was being loved. A person that had a whole world to give to anyone willing to observe. A person who learnt from his mistakes. A strong person who would not be defined by his weaknesses. He was Ji Changmin, and he did not deserve to go through a personal hell because of anyone.</p><p>So that night, he wrote. He wrote in front of his computer while wondering if it was a good idea to even do that but he did not finish until every single feeling he had inside of him was written on the paper.</p><p>He did not stop until he felt that everything would be okay again.</p><p>Two days later, a goodbye letter would arrive at Younghoon’s place. A goodbye letter written for the same person who was now trying to reconstruct his own life, trying to depend only on himself, the person who may not be able to stop loving him but who would learn to live with it because it is what he needed. He needed himself, he needed Ji Changmin more than he would ever need Kim Younghoon.</p><p>He finally realized that there could be Ji Changmin without Kim Younghoon but without himself, Ji Changmin would be lost forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>first of all, thanks for reading it means so much for me &lt;3 secondly, at first i thought about including changmin's letter to the narration but i think it is way too personal for anyone to read so i hope you understand &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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